Carry Your Own Cross

It's been so long since I've done this that I don't even know where to begin. My life in the past year has been RADICALLY rocked in the absolute best of ways. There are millions of things I could share about, and that is awesome. I have never been so busy and so pushed to grow and mature. I'm discovering what it really means to be a woman of God and it's the most terrifying/exciting adventure I have ever been on.

One thing I'm discovering is that God's favor is tricky. One moment he provides a check with the entirety of funding for my missions trip and the next I don't have enough pennies to scrape together to pay for my school tuition. I know that his ways are higher than my ways, and I definitely am learning what it really means to trust him with my everything. You can't trust God with all that you are if you are secretly doubting his supernatural ability to provide. This is something I have to remind myself of daily.

As I struggle with petty things like finances, God is certainly up to so much more in my life. One sign of this is a class I am currently peer-teaching on Passion for Jesus by Mike Bickle. It's blowing my mind. I walk into class nervous because I have never viewed myself as a public speaker, but my classmates and I walk out of that class ignited because of the new revelations we are all having. Growing up in church I knew a lot ABOUT God, but as I uncover more of his very character it is revolutionizing the ways I love him. It's because our God is undeniably, unapologetically passionate about us that we can be so passionate about him. And that I get to unravel further mysteries about my God amongst my best friends is the most incredible part.

Deciding to move home and go to Bible college was a drastic change from the path I was previously on. Everyone (myself included) was sure I would graduate from CSU with my Bachelor's in Biomedical Science and head off to medical school. I would have a great job, impressive resume, and financial security for the rest of my life. My parents and extended family would be impressed with my credentials. I was going to be successful and could have been a fantastic doctor--that just wasn't (and still isn't) for me. As much as school fascinated me, I was becoming distant from God and it was making me miserable. I spent hours alone in my room just crying because I felt like I was living somebody else's life. But the thought of leaving to pursue my own dreams was terrifying. I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I didn't want people to think that I was just quitting something. I begged God to show me a clear direction and push me through the right door.

What I realized during that time has dramatically changed the way I make decisions. You see, God is the ultimate gentleman. He supernaturally makes ways for things to happen and will open many doors for me throughout my life. But the thing is, he will NEVER force me into anything. God will not ever choose my college, my major, my spouse, or my career--I will. Out of his abounding goodness he has given me that right. My duty is to be so close to him that I can hear the still, small voice and act on what I hear. And at the end of the day, it is MY job to act. This revelation is what gave me the boldness to pick up and move. I hopped onto a supremely different path and started running, knowing that my God would bless me for my obedience to him. It doesn't matter what I'm doing as long as I am doing it for my King. He is simply delighting in my journey because he's a good dad.

God promises that his yoke is easy and his burden is light. I have heard that my whole life, but I didn't realize the full implications of this statement until very recently. At CSU I was carrying a yoke that was a terrible struggle and felt weighed down by burden daily. It's because I was carrying somebody else's yoke. I have no doubt that somebody just as qualified as me (if not more so) took my spot in the Biomedical Science program. They are going to be a fantastic doctor indeed. I am going to be an incredible, godly wife and mom. That yoke is easy, that burden is light--because it's the one I have been designed for from even before the very day I was being knit together in the womb.

I am done ascending the hill of the Most High carrying anyone else's cross but my own. I am done wasting time chasing a "calling" and I am solely focused on chasing him. I will figure out the fine details of the rest of my life when the time comes, but for now it's enough to know that God is alive, active, and interceding on my behalf. As I run after all that he is, God continually reaffirms his goodness. I just couldn't ask for more.

24 Years and Going Strong

Unconditional love means unquestioned support. It means that no matter what happens, outside circumstances cannot change how much you care about somebody. My parents are the best example on earth of what unconditional love is and I want to honor them today, their 24th wedding anniversary.

My mom and dad still act like they are dating. They make flirty jokes and give each other kisses right there in the middle of the kitchen in front of God and everyone. When I was younger I was supremely grossed out. I mean, those are my PARENTS. But over the years I have come to realize just how much I adore that they are still so in love with each other. Sadly, it is rare to have parents like that who stay together through think and thin and love each other more every day. Some day I hope to be married for decades and still give my husband kisses in the kitchen and make flirty jokes that make my children uncomfortable. That's true love right there.

The reason my parents are still so very much in love after all these years is definitely because they have made a point to honor God with their marriage. They pray together all the time and make sure that they leave everything in their lives at God's feet. They affirm each other and speak life. They have raised their children in such a way that glorifies God and I will never take that for granted. I love God as much as I do today because of the example they have set for me. I am honored to be their daughter.

I thank God every day for giving me parents who have taught me what it means to be a couple. Everything I know about what a good marriage looks like I have learned from them. I can't wait to have with someone someday what they have with each other now. "To have and to hold, until death do us part." They said it once and they still mean it. I will say it once and I will mean it.

Thank you for being so wonderful to me by being so wonderful to each other, Mom and Dad.

What People Don't Tell You at Graduation (That You Really Do Need to Hear)

1.  Failure is always an option.
We learn more about ourselves from failure than we do from success. I'm sure the experience of that test you bombed in high school sucked, don't get me wrong, but I bet you learned something. It's OKAY TO FAIL. Success rarely happens on the first try, and perseverance through failure is what will shape you into who you are meant to be. Nothing builds character quite like persevering under trial. How you handle failure says WAY more about you than the failure itself. Learn, grow, and move on. Everything is going to be okay, even when you fail.

2. WHAT you decide to be will never matter as much as WHO you decide to be.
I struggled with this one a lot as I graduated high school (and to be honest, I still struggle with it to this day). It seems like all people care about is what kind of degree you're getting so they can speculate on your future job security. They ask what you want to be when you grow up and they need to know a sure answer this time. But it's okay to not know. It's freeing to be able to answer with an "I have no idea". The job you have will never define who you are--it merely defines what you do. Who you are will never depend on salary or status. Who you are depends on your character. I'm at a place in my life where even though I have been working towards a degree, I have no idea what I will use those credentials for. All that I truly care about is shaping myself into a responsible adult whose heart is so very much lost in God's. I don't care what I am doing because my focus is who I am becoming.

3. These aren't the greatest years of your life.
Yes, you will look back on high school and remember the great times you had with the wonderful friends you made. High school forces us to define ourselves so that we can be ready to face the college years, and I will always be grateful for the people who mentored me during that time. But the focus on the college years can be very skewed. You might feel like this is your last chance to be young, so you better live it up. You might hear that college is the place to have the last hurrah of your fun, because there is no room for fun in the "real world". That couldn't be more false. It isn't like you have to go crazy in college for fear of never being allowed to have fun again. There is no rule against making every year of your life the new greatest year of your life. Nobody is going to force you to stop being happy when these college years are over--that is your choice. There is too much life ahead of you for you to be worrying about making these years count. Make every year count.

4. It is okay to change your mind.

You don't have to know right now what the rest of your life looks like. It's better if you don't. Picking a college, major, or job is not the end-all-be-all. It's okay to stop and make a decision to change those things. It's really okay to try new things until you find where you really belong, because too often we feel like once we have made a decision we have to stick to it. You don't have to settle for mediocrity in your heart because you are afraid that your parents will be disappointed you won't be a doctor, lawyer, or concert pianist. If it's not for you, it's not for you. Don't ever settle for something less when your heart aches for something better.

"I don't know what the future holds, but I do know who holds the future."

Independence Days

I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately. Usually I don't like to spend that much of my time alone--I am a very social person and thrive in settings with multitudes of people. But recently I have been doing things completely independently and I have never felt so good.

I have done things by myself that I previously thought were unimaginable. I went out to lunch alone, I went stag to a concert, and I even went to see a movie by myself. I am cherishing my seclusion more than I ever have before and I am becoming very okay with this independence. It really is freeing.

I don't feel pressured to be "the funny one" when I am alone. There is nobody to impress. I didn't realize how much other peoples' opinions of me mattered until I stopped hanging out with them. It's so nice to just be allowed to feel however I truly do and not have to worry about what others think. I can enjoy things I want to enjoy and not have to compromise my opinions for anybody.

Sure, there is give and take with any relationship and it is good to find happy mediums--but there is something genuinely wonderful about being in charge of yourself. I have been saying "no" to others instead of being walked all over. It feels good. I am in control of my own happiness again.

Through this I am learning how to be more like my true self when I do hang out with others. My "reputation" doesn't have a hold on me. It's time to make God's reputation the one that matters.

Happiness Sometimes, Joy Forever

Life in the past month has been, to put it simply, chaos. I have gone through so many ups and downs, so many stresses, and so many victories. I have had past hurts come to light, I finished a semester at a new school, I got a promotion, I quit that job, and on and on. All the while I have been growing. I think that might be the most important thing that I am taking away from this semester--the idea that no matter where I am or how much I feel like I am stuck in a certain situation, I can learn something. I can become better.


I am rising out of a funk that I have been trapped in for the past several weeks and it feels good to finally be shaking those ashes off. For some reason there has been a heaviness on me that has kept me very on-edge. I have been frustrated at the little things. I have treated people poorly as a defense mechanism.


I feel terrible for letting myself get there, but I am working on being better. I have to catch myself and hold my tongue. I have to speak life into people instead of only caring about what I am going through. I am finding myself sucking the poison out of a lot of wounds I have created in myself and in others recently and it is very freeing. I know in my heart that I love people, so I need to start acting like it.


I need to stop holding grudges. Sometimes something as small as a passive-aggressive tweet is enough to set me off. I am striving to forgive and forget. I am working hard at making sure my focus is on matters of eternity. I am developing a thick skin not only to keep bad things out, but to keep good things in.


I promised myself a long time ago that I would never lose my spark. I will never lose the thing that keeps me joyful even when I am upset. I know better than most what it means to have the joy of the Lord. I know it means that it's okay to cry and have bad days, it's okay to be upset, and it's okay to feel like my world is collapsing. My joy comes from the fact that my King turns it around. My joy comes from the fact that as my world is collapsing in all around me, my God is seeing me through.


I don't have to be happy for my God to be present. My joy comes from the promise of security I find in Him, the notion that He is here working, leading, and guiding me. Everything really is going to be okay. It feels good to be reminded that I am not alone.