The Beauty of Not Knowing

If the only thing in my life that never fails is my God, then that's still enough for me.

As the wonderful chaos comes to a close and I graduate from my discipleship/internship program, I am definitely left with more questions than answers. I have learned SO MUCH and matured in a lot of ways. But what now? Just what in the world am I supposed to do now?

The problem with being empowered so much in a year is that now I have the crazy idea in my head that I can do anything. That's very exciting and also very dangerous. I could move to Australia and live it up Hillsong style or I could move to Connecticut and intern at Love146 or I could move and do worship somewhere wonderful.

The scary thing about all of those options that face me is one word: move. What if there really is nothing left for me here? What if I am supposed to stay right where I'm at? I don't know what to do, but I am terrified of just feeling stuck somewhere. I'm frustrated at lack of direction. The stupid world has taught me not to dream for fear of getting disappointed.

I listen to worship and have time to just sit, think, and pray, and still all I can come up with is "I just have no idea" and "You know what God? I still trust you." The most important thing I have learned this year is the beauty of not knowing. And that's an extremely intimidating notion for a control freak like myself. But if I can't trust in God I fall apart.

I hear all the time that "God doesn't show you the whole staircase...just the next step", but what if he doesn't show you the next step either? I find myself praying for clarity and direction and getting nowhere. Then I hear a still, small voice... "Do you still trust me?"

You see, the beauty of not knowing turns into the beauty of trusting which turns into the beauty of faith. For every answer I don't have, I am becoming more okay with that. Call me foolish, call me naive, call me whatever you like. But in the beauty of not knowing, my faith is building. I am finally becoming truly dependent on my God who knows everything. It would be foolish NOT to trust in Him.

People are bad at trusting because time and time again we keep proving to each other that we can't keep true to our words. But we have to stop letting wounds from people keep affecting our view of God. We may not understand why or how, but GOD IS TRUSTWORTHY. All the time. Without fail. When there is nothing in the world I can be sure of, I find surety in my God. I am finally relinquishing control that was never really mine in the first place. And as I trade my worry for freedom, I feel in my heart that I really am going to be okay. 

"So Sarah, what's next?"

"What are you doing after graduation?"

"What do you want to do with your life?"

"I have absolutely no idea," I say with a smile.

Call me crazy, but I think that's beautiful.

Fantasy Flight

For those of you who have been stalking my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram: thank you for entertaining me all night with your increasingly-frustrated and confused comments on all of my pictures from my adventure to the North Pole. But now I feel as if I have some explaining to do.

I really DID go to the North Pole, you guys. Along with 82 terminally ill, disabled, homeless, or under-privileged children and dozens of other volunteers, I got on the "fastest jet in the whole world" and literally FLEW to the North Pole. Well, actually the United Airlines hangar just outside of DIA decorated as the North Pole. And it was on a Boeing 757.

The event is called Fantasy Flight and United Airlines, partnered with the Starlight Children's Foundation, has been hosting it every year since 1991. Children are invited to come on the adventure of their little lives to meet Santa and receive literally everything they want for Christmas. Let me tell you, there was not a dry eye in the building. You can't help but be affected when you see that much magic in one place.

My mom works for United so she got the tip that volunteers were needed for the event. We went to the hangar on Friday night and set up dozens of Christmas trees, lights, and games for the kids. After many hours of assembling all that Christmas cheer, my own anticipation for the next day was at an all-time high.

I arrived at the hangar yesterday at noon to check in and receive my boarding pass. Much to my delight, our gate number was SNOWFLAKES and our destination really did say NORTH POLE. The little kid in me squealed with excitement (I'm totally keeping that ticket forever).  Once all of the volunteers checked in, we boarded buses to take us to the terminal. We arrived and all of us, clad in gaudy Christmas sweaters and donning Santa hats, pranced to the media room for briefing of the event.

As we sat in anticipation we were given explanation for what to expect from the day. My eyes welled up as I heard about some of the children we would get to love and share some smiles with. Children with blood diseases, physical disabilities, mental disabilities, and cancer. Some others were coming from a women's shelter. My heart was breaking wide open. This event was most of these children's only Christmas this year, and as much as I hate to even think of it, maybe some of their last. As I sat there and listened to the special instructions for the children in wheelchairs, with stomach tubes, etc., I cried. I literally just started trickling a million tears. We were providing so much light in the lives of children who have experienced so much darkness. Immediately I knew this day was going to change all of us.

The volunteers were grouped up and given signs that had different Christmas symbols on them. Candy canes, Santa hats, snowmen, gingerbread cookies, presents, snowflakes, jingle bells, you name it. My group got the angel. "How appropriate," my mom said. I agreed. These signs would correspond to stickers the children would be given once they arrived at the airport so that everyone would have volunteers to help them through security. It reminded me of Vacation Bible School teams. Everyone has a symbol and a leader. This was definitely the most effective way to organize almost a hundred ecstatic children.

When we got word that the buses had arrived we all picked up and ran outside to greet them. As we formed a tunnel and sang Christmas carols, the children started walking into the terminal. Through tears and a smile I sang the most terrible rendition of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" I have ever sang. It's hard to carol well when you're trying that hard to keep yourself together. These were the cutest kids I had ever laid eyes on and the wonder in their eyes as they came in is something I will never EVER forget. They knew they were on their way to meet Santa himself. Today was the most special.

We escorted everyone back to the media room for the children to pick up their boarding passes. After being assigned a group of little angels, we were off to security. The ratio was perfect: about one volunteer per child. My little angel was a 4-year-old named Josie and she melted my heart all day long. A special security line was set aside for everyone going to the North Pole, so we all felt like we were getting celebrity treatment. After wrangling all six children through the metal detector we went down the escalators to board "Santa's Train" to get to our gate. Usually only one train to the concourses is running at DIA, but this time the second was blocked off for Santa's VIPs. Once again, star treatment.

Josie held onto my hand for dear life, and I certainly didn't mind. She kept asking questions about the North Pole because I told her I had been there before and I was friends with Santa. I would tell her that I eat cookies with him and Mrs. C all the time and she would put her head to the side and say, "Nah... wait. Are you being joking?! You really do that?!" Adorable. The train took us straight to the concourse at 30mph and we disembarked to find our gate. It was such a sight to see hundreds of people walking through the airport in Christmas attire. I loved all the looks we were getting.

We sat at the gate for almost an hour being entertained by Ronald McDonald himself. My very rational fear of clowns aside, it was a pretty cute show. He did a few magic tricks and the kids were certainly enjoying it all. When it was time to board the plane Josie ran to me and exclaimed, "WE'RE REALLY GOING!" Her outcries mirrored the ones in my heart. We were really going! Santa was waiting!

We got on the plane that had been decorated all over with garland and Christmas appliques, accompanied by flight attendants dressed as elves. Christmas carols echoed over the plane's PA system. I was just as consumed by the magic as the kids were. We sat down and got buckled in. Josie looked out the window and asked questions about the airplane's wings, my favorite toys, and Santa's workshop. When it was time for takeoff she screamed. As the plane ascended into the air, the Captain informed us that reindeer were leading the way. We needed to close all of our window shutters because the North Pole is a super-secret location and we didn't want anyone to see the lights from our plane (really it was because the plane was just going to circle in the air before landing a few miles away from DIA). Every child received a Happy Meal and we all sang more carols together. As the 40-minute flight came to a close the children were antsier than ever.

After landing on "Santa's Landing Strip 1" we pulled directly into the North Pole airplane hangar so we wouldn't get frostbite. Once inside we were instructed to open our windows for a surprise. Santa and several elves circled around the plane in a boom lift to wave and greet the children. There was an uproar. "THAT'S REALLY HIM!!! WE'RE HERE! WE MADE IT!"

We exited the plane and dropped all of the children off in a multipurpose room where a Boy Scout troop would read Twas the Night Before Christmas. This gave the rest of us time to finish setting up the activities the children would do while waiting to meet Santa and receive their gift bags. I was doing a face painting station and there was also a ring toss, cookie decorating, a Blue Bell ice cream bar, a bean bag toss, and balloon animals. I painted the faces of several eager adult volunteers while we waited for the story to finish. Nobody was exempt from the renewed childlike wonder that encompassed that building.

For several hours I painted smiling faces. I asked the children what they wanted for Christmas and if they were having fun. I asked for their names as they sat down so that as my brushes created Christmas shapes onto their little cheeks I could pray for them. Every child who sat in my chair warmed my heart as I prayed for healing, joy, provision, and protection over their own lives and families. It was absolutely the most fun I've had in a long time.

One at a time the kids were called in for the moment of the evening--a conversation with the big man himself. He talked to each child for a bit and then handed them a huge bag full of wrapped presents. Every child received at least ten presents. Good presents, too. Exactly what they asked for. Some even got new bikes! What really had me awestruck was the way none of the kids cared the most about what they got. They were more enthralled by the atmosphere of the North Pole and the jolly bearded man they had always wanted to meet. Everyone had an absolutely amazing time. Once the event ended children loaded up all their new toys and boarded back onto the limos and buses they arrived in. A gentle snowfall ended the most perfect evening.

It was a very long, very incredible day. Events like this restore my faith. Just because it isn't a religious event doesn't mean the Lord's work isn't being done. God was straight MOVING in that place. I hope to participate every single year until the day I die, keeping the Christmas spirit alive with hope, restoration, and joy. The true spirit of this season feeds my spirit and gives me life. I feel very blessed to have been a part.

Carry Your Own Cross

It's been so long since I've done this that I don't even know where to begin. My life in the past year has been RADICALLY rocked in the absolute best of ways. There are millions of things I could share about, and that is awesome. I have never been so busy and so pushed to grow and mature. I'm discovering what it really means to be a woman of God and it's the most terrifying/exciting adventure I have ever been on.

One thing I'm discovering is that God's favor is tricky. One moment he provides a check with the entirety of funding for my missions trip and the next I don't have enough pennies to scrape together to pay for my school tuition. I know that his ways are higher than my ways, and I definitely am learning what it really means to trust him with my everything. You can't trust God with all that you are if you are secretly doubting his supernatural ability to provide. This is something I have to remind myself of daily.

As I struggle with petty things like finances, God is certainly up to so much more in my life. One sign of this is a class I am currently peer-teaching on Passion for Jesus by Mike Bickle. It's blowing my mind. I walk into class nervous because I have never viewed myself as a public speaker, but my classmates and I walk out of that class ignited because of the new revelations we are all having. Growing up in church I knew a lot ABOUT God, but as I uncover more of his very character it is revolutionizing the ways I love him. It's because our God is undeniably, unapologetically passionate about us that we can be so passionate about him. And that I get to unravel further mysteries about my God amongst my best friends is the most incredible part.

Deciding to move home and go to Bible college was a drastic change from the path I was previously on. Everyone (myself included) was sure I would graduate from CSU with my Bachelor's in Biomedical Science and head off to medical school. I would have a great job, impressive resume, and financial security for the rest of my life. My parents and extended family would be impressed with my credentials. I was going to be successful and could have been a fantastic doctor--that just wasn't (and still isn't) for me. As much as school fascinated me, I was becoming distant from God and it was making me miserable. I spent hours alone in my room just crying because I felt like I was living somebody else's life. But the thought of leaving to pursue my own dreams was terrifying. I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I didn't want people to think that I was just quitting something. I begged God to show me a clear direction and push me through the right door.

What I realized during that time has dramatically changed the way I make decisions. You see, God is the ultimate gentleman. He supernaturally makes ways for things to happen and will open many doors for me throughout my life. But the thing is, he will NEVER force me into anything. God will not ever choose my college, my major, my spouse, or my career--I will. Out of his abounding goodness he has given me that right. My duty is to be so close to him that I can hear the still, small voice and act on what I hear. And at the end of the day, it is MY job to act. This revelation is what gave me the boldness to pick up and move. I hopped onto a supremely different path and started running, knowing that my God would bless me for my obedience to him. It doesn't matter what I'm doing as long as I am doing it for my King. He is simply delighting in my journey because he's a good dad.

God promises that his yoke is easy and his burden is light. I have heard that my whole life, but I didn't realize the full implications of this statement until very recently. At CSU I was carrying a yoke that was a terrible struggle and felt weighed down by burden daily. It's because I was carrying somebody else's yoke. I have no doubt that somebody just as qualified as me (if not more so) took my spot in the Biomedical Science program. They are going to be a fantastic doctor indeed. I am going to be an incredible, godly wife and mom. That yoke is easy, that burden is light--because it's the one I have been designed for from even before the very day I was being knit together in the womb.

I am done ascending the hill of the Most High carrying anyone else's cross but my own. I am done wasting time chasing a "calling" and I am solely focused on chasing him. I will figure out the fine details of the rest of my life when the time comes, but for now it's enough to know that God is alive, active, and interceding on my behalf. As I run after all that he is, God continually reaffirms his goodness. I just couldn't ask for more.

24 Years and Going Strong

Unconditional love means unquestioned support. It means that no matter what happens, outside circumstances cannot change how much you care about somebody. My parents are the best example on earth of what unconditional love is and I want to honor them today, their 24th wedding anniversary.

My mom and dad still act like they are dating. They make flirty jokes and give each other kisses right there in the middle of the kitchen in front of God and everyone. When I was younger I was supremely grossed out. I mean, those are my PARENTS. But over the years I have come to realize just how much I adore that they are still so in love with each other. Sadly, it is rare to have parents like that who stay together through think and thin and love each other more every day. Some day I hope to be married for decades and still give my husband kisses in the kitchen and make flirty jokes that make my children uncomfortable. That's true love right there.

The reason my parents are still so very much in love after all these years is definitely because they have made a point to honor God with their marriage. They pray together all the time and make sure that they leave everything in their lives at God's feet. They affirm each other and speak life. They have raised their children in such a way that glorifies God and I will never take that for granted. I love God as much as I do today because of the example they have set for me. I am honored to be their daughter.

I thank God every day for giving me parents who have taught me what it means to be a couple. Everything I know about what a good marriage looks like I have learned from them. I can't wait to have with someone someday what they have with each other now. "To have and to hold, until death do us part." They said it once and they still mean it. I will say it once and I will mean it.

Thank you for being so wonderful to me by being so wonderful to each other, Mom and Dad.

What People Don't Tell You at Graduation (That You Really Do Need to Hear)

1.  Failure is always an option.
We learn more about ourselves from failure than we do from success. I'm sure the experience of that test you bombed in high school sucked, don't get me wrong, but I bet you learned something. It's OKAY TO FAIL. Success rarely happens on the first try, and perseverance through failure is what will shape you into who you are meant to be. Nothing builds character quite like persevering under trial. How you handle failure says WAY more about you than the failure itself. Learn, grow, and move on. Everything is going to be okay, even when you fail.

2. WHAT you decide to be will never matter as much as WHO you decide to be.
I struggled with this one a lot as I graduated high school (and to be honest, I still struggle with it to this day). It seems like all people care about is what kind of degree you're getting so they can speculate on your future job security. They ask what you want to be when you grow up and they need to know a sure answer this time. But it's okay to not know. It's freeing to be able to answer with an "I have no idea". The job you have will never define who you are--it merely defines what you do. Who you are will never depend on salary or status. Who you are depends on your character. I'm at a place in my life where even though I have been working towards a degree, I have no idea what I will use those credentials for. All that I truly care about is shaping myself into a responsible adult whose heart is so very much lost in God's. I don't care what I am doing because my focus is who I am becoming.

3. These aren't the greatest years of your life.
Yes, you will look back on high school and remember the great times you had with the wonderful friends you made. High school forces us to define ourselves so that we can be ready to face the college years, and I will always be grateful for the people who mentored me during that time. But the focus on the college years can be very skewed. You might feel like this is your last chance to be young, so you better live it up. You might hear that college is the place to have the last hurrah of your fun, because there is no room for fun in the "real world". That couldn't be more false. It isn't like you have to go crazy in college for fear of never being allowed to have fun again. There is no rule against making every year of your life the new greatest year of your life. Nobody is going to force you to stop being happy when these college years are over--that is your choice. There is too much life ahead of you for you to be worrying about making these years count. Make every year count.

4. It is okay to change your mind.

You don't have to know right now what the rest of your life looks like. It's better if you don't. Picking a college, major, or job is not the end-all-be-all. It's okay to stop and make a decision to change those things. It's really okay to try new things until you find where you really belong, because too often we feel like once we have made a decision we have to stick to it. You don't have to settle for mediocrity in your heart because you are afraid that your parents will be disappointed you won't be a doctor, lawyer, or concert pianist. If it's not for you, it's not for you. Don't ever settle for something less when your heart aches for something better.

"I don't know what the future holds, but I do know who holds the future."