Life: A Bumpy Road

So many ups and downs lately it is ridiculous. I am excited beyond measure about my missions trip and I can't believe some of the other miracles that are happening in my life, but at the same time I am having more days that I am depressed for no reason. Both yesterday and today I cried spontaneously. Something tiny would set me off and I would lose it. I don't know what's going on with my emotions, but I certainly don't like it. Bottling things up all the time is catching up to me big time.

I need a good cry--one of those "get alone with a box of Kleenex, shut off your phone, and watch The Notebook" kind of cries. A girl just needs that sometimes. It keeps us sane (we have a lot of feelings).

What I have been struggling with the most at school is feeling unusable and worthless. I am not interning anywhere in the church and it makes me feel like wasted space. Although I am caught up and even ahead in some of my schoolwork, I get reprimanded for slacking off. I am frustrated and tired and I feel like I am banging my head against the wall sometimes. My voice isn't heard and even when it is heard it is dismissed.

It's hard. I feel like I am learning and growing so much personally and all that I see from it is, well, nothing. I can't share my joys with anyone because they are dealing with their own struggles. I can't share my struggles because everyone has their own issues to deal with. I can't help but listen to them all because my heart breaks for what my friends' hearts break for, but it would be nice to have someone to listen to anything that I have to say once in a while. I am over-burdened with issues that are not my own and I have no outlet.

Thank goodness that God is always good. I promised myself years ago that I would never forget that. When I am having great days, God is great. When I am having the crappiest days ever, God is still great. I always have a reason to worship and I always have a reason to be grateful. I can also find promise in the fact that as emotions come and go, I am still rooted in the joy provided by a king who runs the universe. Sadness can't compete with joy like that for very long. 

Overwhelmed is an Understatement

I have been a mess this week. It's a good kind of mess this time, though. Weeks like this remind me that the ups and downs of life are more than worth it. On Monday I received word that the missions trip I am going on to Belize in June is PAID IN FULL. When I found out I literally fell to my knees in shock. I'm still walking around in awe.


I have known going into this trip that since I am broke as a joke, God would have to make a way for me financially. I have known in my heart that this was going to happen for me in Jesus' name. HOW it happened is what has wrecked me.


To give a little back story...
In June of  2008 I went on a missions trip to Thailand. The cost of the trip was almost three thousand dollars and as a sixteen-year-old girl I had no idea how I was going to pay the trip expenses. I sent out support letters to friends and family and I got one letter back that really affected me. It was from a couple family members. Not only did they say that they did not approve of my decision to go on the trip, they said that my parents were foolish for allowing their daughter to go out into a land filled with so much darkness. We were scolded for what God was doing in my life.


It broke me. I felt entirely discouraged in that moment. The effort I was making to ask for support was retorted with disgust and all I could do was pray through it with my parents and write a letter of response. I told my family members that although I respect and love them, I disagreed with what they had said. I knew that this was what I needed to do. My decision had been made. We left it at that and literally have not spoken about it for the past four years. I did receive the funding for Thailand and it was one of the best experiences of my life... but not gonna lie, that letter has weighed heavy on my heart all of these years..


Cut to February 27, 2012. I get called out of class by the financial director of the Belize missions trip. I thought that I was in trouble or something by the urgency in his voice when he said he needed to speak to me. I walked out into the hall and he handed me a check that was sent in that covers the ENTIRE fee of the trip--written out and sent in by those family members.


These are the same family members that told me all those years ago that God's will is not for me to go out on missions. The same people who told us that we were foolish for thinking it was a good idea to travel overseas for God's purposes four years ago just sent me a check and solely made it possible for me to do just that this summer.


To say that I am overwhelmed is an understatement. It's not even about the financial stress that has been lifted from my shoulders (although that is pretty amazing). It is about the heart change that has obviously taken place in those family members. Nobody can change hearts like God can. He exists in glory and power forever.


I am so completely and irrevocably wrecked. It's like God is up there looking down saying, "Don't you know how great I am? Don't you believe me when I say that I will take care of you? Here's just a little taste of my devotion. There is NOTHING that is too hard for me." Who am I to ever doubt such a glorious God? This revelation is the greatest of all--that the very same all-powerful God that sets the earth into motion comes to me to give me this reminder that He is alive, He cares about the little things, and that He is MOVING.


Sometimes a little doubt creeps in and reminds me of all the things I have given up to be in Ministry school. A small voice reminds me that I could have been a doctor or a lawyer or anything else that will keep me respected and financially secure. That voice will never go away, but it has less authority over my life every single day. Sure, I don't know where I am going to be in a few years. I do not know whatsoever what I am going to be doing with my life. But I sure as heck know who I am going to be.


Living in faithfulness isn't easy, but my goodness is it rewarding. There is nothing--and I mean NOTHING--my God cannot do.

A Tiny Hiccup

I knew that transferring schools wasn't going to be all rainbows and butterflies. And it seems like everything came crashing down this week. I'm a mess.


Financial stress is tearing me to pieces. I have no idea how I am going to pay tuition for the rest of the semester much less raise the funds to go on the missions trip to Belize in June. The worst part is that my heart is at peace; it knows that my God is Jehovah Jireh who provides. But my head keeps saying how impossible this all is. That there is no way to pay for all the things in my life that need to be paid for, that coming here was a stupid decision financially, and that I'm alone in this.


I'm conflicted. Half of me is growing, learning, and reaping the benefits of the best decision I have ever made in my life while the other half is worrying, worrying, worrying. It's wearing me completely out. This week I had one of those days that just forced me to cry. Nothing necessarily happened to warrant a good cry, but it still came. It felt like the tears were drops of stress and worry escaping my body. Sometimes you just need that.


All I can do is focus on today and try to take everything one step at a time.

The Best Decision I Have Ever Made

On a daily basis people in my life are stunned to hear that I have transferred from Colorado State to a little Bible college no one has heard of. 99% of the time people are judgy and condescending (i.e. "I thought you were doing something great with your life"... "Weren't you going to be a doctor?"... "So what are you going to do with your life with a theology degree?", etc).


It used to make me really uncomfortable because I was insecure. I was unsure of myself because I didn't have answers prepared. I didn't realize how much transferring schools was going to put me on trial.


But somehow in the last week all of that worry and insecurity stemming from judgment has gone. I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now. If you don't understand it, that's okay with me. Not everyone can do everything and this although world needs some people to be great doctors... this world needs me to be something else. I'm coming to find out more and more that how other people view my decisions does not define who I am.


Studying Bible and Theology is the best decision I have ever made. I have zero regrets in coming to this school and I'm not changing my mind about it being my most freeing experience. I get to go to school with a great group of students after God's own heart while I learn about His promises and how I can live them out in everything that I do. I'm in control of my education while my creator is in control of my life. Not gonna lie, it feels pretty darn good.


"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

My Heart Breaks for the Broken

In school this week we did a Spiritual Giftings Test and it rocked my world. I have taken this test before and heard about what my gifts might have been, but it has never meant so much to me as it did this time. It gave me encouragement and purpose and I finally feel like God is ready to use me according to His purpose.

My Spiritual Gifts:

• Counseling
• Creative Communication
• Mercy
• Giving

I had to say who I look up to and who I would want to be mentored by if given the chance. I want to hang out with Rob Morris and Kim Walker all the days of my life. They know what’s important, significant, and how to get God’s will up and moving. They have vision that God has placed in their lives and they are acting on it daily.

Actions speak louder than words and most churches are still sitting in silence.

That hurts my little heart.

We sit in stillness while God’s children, his masterpieces, are abused. If that isn’t injustice, I don’t know what is.

Part of the test asked us what we would do if nothing was holding us back (finances, time, and so on). I answered that I would abolish human trafficking and slavery. I thought that my first answer was going to be to get married and raise a family, because I truly have always wanted that and still do. But given a limitless opportunity, I would do something so much greater with myself.

It made me start to wonder…. Why don’t I live like nothing is holding me back? Why am I acting like great things can’t happen through me by the power of my God? Time to refocus on matters of eternity and start believing in faith that miracles are real. Love is coming as an empowering force that cannot be denied or reckoned with. Justice is on its way.

There is a bright future that I dream about filled with whole, mended hearts. I want to be an advocate for those who cannot be one for themselves. While the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy I will come to give, love, and restore in Jesus’ name.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)