What People Don't Tell You at Graduation (That You Really Do Need to Hear)

1.  Failure is always an option.
We learn more about ourselves from failure than we do from success. I'm sure the experience of that test you bombed in high school sucked, don't get me wrong, but I bet you learned something. It's OKAY TO FAIL. Success rarely happens on the first try, and perseverance through failure is what will shape you into who you are meant to be. Nothing builds character quite like persevering under trial. How you handle failure says WAY more about you than the failure itself. Learn, grow, and move on. Everything is going to be okay, even when you fail.

2. WHAT you decide to be will never matter as much as WHO you decide to be.
I struggled with this one a lot as I graduated high school (and to be honest, I still struggle with it to this day). It seems like all people care about is what kind of degree you're getting so they can speculate on your future job security. They ask what you want to be when you grow up and they need to know a sure answer this time. But it's okay to not know. It's freeing to be able to answer with an "I have no idea". The job you have will never define who you are--it merely defines what you do. Who you are will never depend on salary or status. Who you are depends on your character. I'm at a place in my life where even though I have been working towards a degree, I have no idea what I will use those credentials for. All that I truly care about is shaping myself into a responsible adult whose heart is so very much lost in God's. I don't care what I am doing because my focus is who I am becoming.

3. These aren't the greatest years of your life.
Yes, you will look back on high school and remember the great times you had with the wonderful friends you made. High school forces us to define ourselves so that we can be ready to face the college years, and I will always be grateful for the people who mentored me during that time. But the focus on the college years can be very skewed. You might feel like this is your last chance to be young, so you better live it up. You might hear that college is the place to have the last hurrah of your fun, because there is no room for fun in the "real world". That couldn't be more false. It isn't like you have to go crazy in college for fear of never being allowed to have fun again. There is no rule against making every year of your life the new greatest year of your life. Nobody is going to force you to stop being happy when these college years are over--that is your choice. There is too much life ahead of you for you to be worrying about making these years count. Make every year count.

4. It is okay to change your mind.

You don't have to know right now what the rest of your life looks like. It's better if you don't. Picking a college, major, or job is not the end-all-be-all. It's okay to stop and make a decision to change those things. It's really okay to try new things until you find where you really belong, because too often we feel like once we have made a decision we have to stick to it. You don't have to settle for mediocrity in your heart because you are afraid that your parents will be disappointed you won't be a doctor, lawyer, or concert pianist. If it's not for you, it's not for you. Don't ever settle for something less when your heart aches for something better.

"I don't know what the future holds, but I do know who holds the future."

Independence Days

I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately. Usually I don't like to spend that much of my time alone--I am a very social person and thrive in settings with multitudes of people. But recently I have been doing things completely independently and I have never felt so good.

I have done things by myself that I previously thought were unimaginable. I went out to lunch alone, I went stag to a concert, and I even went to see a movie by myself. I am cherishing my seclusion more than I ever have before and I am becoming very okay with this independence. It really is freeing.

I don't feel pressured to be "the funny one" when I am alone. There is nobody to impress. I didn't realize how much other peoples' opinions of me mattered until I stopped hanging out with them. It's so nice to just be allowed to feel however I truly do and not have to worry about what others think. I can enjoy things I want to enjoy and not have to compromise my opinions for anybody.

Sure, there is give and take with any relationship and it is good to find happy mediums--but there is something genuinely wonderful about being in charge of yourself. I have been saying "no" to others instead of being walked all over. It feels good. I am in control of my own happiness again.

Through this I am learning how to be more like my true self when I do hang out with others. My "reputation" doesn't have a hold on me. It's time to make God's reputation the one that matters.

Happiness Sometimes, Joy Forever

Life in the past month has been, to put it simply, chaos. I have gone through so many ups and downs, so many stresses, and so many victories. I have had past hurts come to light, I finished a semester at a new school, I got a promotion, I quit that job, and on and on. All the while I have been growing. I think that might be the most important thing that I am taking away from this semester--the idea that no matter where I am or how much I feel like I am stuck in a certain situation, I can learn something. I can become better.


I am rising out of a funk that I have been trapped in for the past several weeks and it feels good to finally be shaking those ashes off. For some reason there has been a heaviness on me that has kept me very on-edge. I have been frustrated at the little things. I have treated people poorly as a defense mechanism.


I feel terrible for letting myself get there, but I am working on being better. I have to catch myself and hold my tongue. I have to speak life into people instead of only caring about what I am going through. I am finding myself sucking the poison out of a lot of wounds I have created in myself and in others recently and it is very freeing. I know in my heart that I love people, so I need to start acting like it.


I need to stop holding grudges. Sometimes something as small as a passive-aggressive tweet is enough to set me off. I am striving to forgive and forget. I am working hard at making sure my focus is on matters of eternity. I am developing a thick skin not only to keep bad things out, but to keep good things in.


I promised myself a long time ago that I would never lose my spark. I will never lose the thing that keeps me joyful even when I am upset. I know better than most what it means to have the joy of the Lord. I know it means that it's okay to cry and have bad days, it's okay to be upset, and it's okay to feel like my world is collapsing. My joy comes from the fact that my King turns it around. My joy comes from the fact that as my world is collapsing in all around me, my God is seeing me through.


I don't have to be happy for my God to be present. My joy comes from the promise of security I find in Him, the notion that He is here working, leading, and guiding me. Everything really is going to be okay. It feels good to be reminded that I am not alone.

Life: A Bumpy Road

So many ups and downs lately it is ridiculous. I am excited beyond measure about my missions trip and I can't believe some of the other miracles that are happening in my life, but at the same time I am having more days that I am depressed for no reason. Both yesterday and today I cried spontaneously. Something tiny would set me off and I would lose it. I don't know what's going on with my emotions, but I certainly don't like it. Bottling things up all the time is catching up to me big time.

I need a good cry--one of those "get alone with a box of Kleenex, shut off your phone, and watch The Notebook" kind of cries. A girl just needs that sometimes. It keeps us sane (we have a lot of feelings).

What I have been struggling with the most at school is feeling unusable and worthless. I am not interning anywhere in the church and it makes me feel like wasted space. Although I am caught up and even ahead in some of my schoolwork, I get reprimanded for slacking off. I am frustrated and tired and I feel like I am banging my head against the wall sometimes. My voice isn't heard and even when it is heard it is dismissed.

It's hard. I feel like I am learning and growing so much personally and all that I see from it is, well, nothing. I can't share my joys with anyone because they are dealing with their own struggles. I can't share my struggles because everyone has their own issues to deal with. I can't help but listen to them all because my heart breaks for what my friends' hearts break for, but it would be nice to have someone to listen to anything that I have to say once in a while. I am over-burdened with issues that are not my own and I have no outlet.

Thank goodness that God is always good. I promised myself years ago that I would never forget that. When I am having great days, God is great. When I am having the crappiest days ever, God is still great. I always have a reason to worship and I always have a reason to be grateful. I can also find promise in the fact that as emotions come and go, I am still rooted in the joy provided by a king who runs the universe. Sadness can't compete with joy like that for very long. 

Overwhelmed is an Understatement

I have been a mess this week. It's a good kind of mess this time, though. Weeks like this remind me that the ups and downs of life are more than worth it. On Monday I received word that the missions trip I am going on to Belize in June is PAID IN FULL. When I found out I literally fell to my knees in shock. I'm still walking around in awe.


I have known going into this trip that since I am broke as a joke, God would have to make a way for me financially. I have known in my heart that this was going to happen for me in Jesus' name. HOW it happened is what has wrecked me.


To give a little back story...
In June of  2008 I went on a missions trip to Thailand. The cost of the trip was almost three thousand dollars and as a sixteen-year-old girl I had no idea how I was going to pay the trip expenses. I sent out support letters to friends and family and I got one letter back that really affected me. It was from a couple family members. Not only did they say that they did not approve of my decision to go on the trip, they said that my parents were foolish for allowing their daughter to go out into a land filled with so much darkness. We were scolded for what God was doing in my life.


It broke me. I felt entirely discouraged in that moment. The effort I was making to ask for support was retorted with disgust and all I could do was pray through it with my parents and write a letter of response. I told my family members that although I respect and love them, I disagreed with what they had said. I knew that this was what I needed to do. My decision had been made. We left it at that and literally have not spoken about it for the past four years. I did receive the funding for Thailand and it was one of the best experiences of my life... but not gonna lie, that letter has weighed heavy on my heart all of these years..


Cut to February 27, 2012. I get called out of class by the financial director of the Belize missions trip. I thought that I was in trouble or something by the urgency in his voice when he said he needed to speak to me. I walked out into the hall and he handed me a check that was sent in that covers the ENTIRE fee of the trip--written out and sent in by those family members.


These are the same family members that told me all those years ago that God's will is not for me to go out on missions. The same people who told us that we were foolish for thinking it was a good idea to travel overseas for God's purposes four years ago just sent me a check and solely made it possible for me to do just that this summer.


To say that I am overwhelmed is an understatement. It's not even about the financial stress that has been lifted from my shoulders (although that is pretty amazing). It is about the heart change that has obviously taken place in those family members. Nobody can change hearts like God can. He exists in glory and power forever.


I am so completely and irrevocably wrecked. It's like God is up there looking down saying, "Don't you know how great I am? Don't you believe me when I say that I will take care of you? Here's just a little taste of my devotion. There is NOTHING that is too hard for me." Who am I to ever doubt such a glorious God? This revelation is the greatest of all--that the very same all-powerful God that sets the earth into motion comes to me to give me this reminder that He is alive, He cares about the little things, and that He is MOVING.


Sometimes a little doubt creeps in and reminds me of all the things I have given up to be in Ministry school. A small voice reminds me that I could have been a doctor or a lawyer or anything else that will keep me respected and financially secure. That voice will never go away, but it has less authority over my life every single day. Sure, I don't know where I am going to be in a few years. I do not know whatsoever what I am going to be doing with my life. But I sure as heck know who I am going to be.


Living in faithfulness isn't easy, but my goodness is it rewarding. There is nothing--and I mean NOTHING--my God cannot do.