It's been so long since I've done this that I don't even know where to begin. My life in the past year has been RADICALLY rocked in the absolute best of ways. There are millions of things I could share about, and that is awesome. I have never been so busy and so pushed to grow and mature. I'm discovering what it really means to be a woman of God and it's the most terrifying/exciting adventure I have ever been on.
One thing I'm discovering is that God's favor is tricky. One moment he provides a check with the entirety of funding for my missions trip and the next I don't have enough pennies to scrape together to pay for my school tuition. I know that his ways are higher than my ways, and I definitely am learning what it really means to trust him with my everything. You can't trust God with all that you are if you are secretly doubting his supernatural ability to provide. This is something I have to remind myself of daily.
As I struggle with petty things like finances, God is certainly up to so much more in my life. One sign of this is a class I am currently peer-teaching on Passion for Jesus by Mike Bickle. It's blowing my mind. I walk into class nervous because I have never viewed myself as a public speaker, but my classmates and I walk out of that class ignited because of the new revelations we are all having. Growing up in church I knew a lot ABOUT God, but as I uncover more of his very character it is revolutionizing the ways I love him. It's because our God is undeniably, unapologetically passionate about us that we can be so passionate about him. And that I get to unravel further mysteries about my God amongst my best friends is the most incredible part.
Deciding to move home and go to Bible college was a drastic change from the path I was previously on. Everyone (myself included) was sure I would graduate from CSU with my Bachelor's in Biomedical Science and head off to medical school. I would have a great job, impressive resume, and financial security for the rest of my life. My parents and extended family would be impressed with my credentials. I was going to be successful and could have been a fantastic doctor--that just wasn't (and still isn't) for me. As much as school fascinated me, I was becoming distant from God and it was making me miserable. I spent hours alone in my room just crying because I felt like I was living somebody else's life. But the thought of leaving to pursue my own dreams was terrifying. I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I didn't want people to think that I was just quitting something. I begged God to show me a clear direction and push me through the right door.
What I realized during that time has dramatically changed the way I make decisions. You see, God is the ultimate gentleman. He supernaturally makes ways for things to happen and will open many doors for me throughout my life. But the thing is, he will NEVER force me into anything. God will not ever choose my college, my major, my spouse, or my career--I will. Out of his abounding goodness he has given me that right. My duty is to be so close to him that I can hear the still, small voice and act on what I hear. And at the end of the day, it is MY job to act. This revelation is what gave me the boldness to pick up and move. I hopped onto a supremely different path and started running, knowing that my God would bless me for my obedience to him. It doesn't matter what I'm doing as long as I am doing it for my King. He is simply delighting in my journey because he's a good dad.
God promises that his yoke is easy and his burden is light. I have heard that my whole life, but I didn't realize the full implications of this statement until very recently. At CSU I was carrying a yoke that was a terrible struggle and felt weighed down by burden daily. It's because I was carrying somebody else's yoke. I have no doubt that somebody just as qualified as me (if not more so) took my spot in the Biomedical Science program. They are going to be a fantastic doctor indeed. I am going to be an incredible, godly wife and mom. That yoke is easy, that burden is light--because it's the one I have been designed for from even before the very day I was being knit together in the womb.
I am done ascending the hill of the Most High carrying anyone else's cross but my own. I am done wasting time chasing a "calling" and I am solely focused on chasing him. I will figure out the fine details of the rest of my life when the time comes, but for now it's enough to know that God is alive, active, and interceding on my behalf. As I run after all that he is, God continually reaffirms his goodness. I just couldn't ask for more.
