If the only thing in my life that never fails is my God, then that's still enough for me.
As the wonderful chaos comes to a close and I graduate from my discipleship/internship program, I am definitely left with more questions than answers. I have learned SO MUCH and matured in a lot of ways. But what now? Just what in the world am I supposed to do now?
The problem with being empowered so much in a year is that now I have the crazy idea in my head that I can do anything. That's very exciting and also very dangerous. I could move to Australia and live it up Hillsong style or I could move to Connecticut and intern at Love146 or I could move and do worship somewhere wonderful.
The scary thing about all of those options that face me is one word: move. What if there really is nothing left for me here? What if I am supposed to stay right where I'm at? I don't know what to do, but I am terrified of just feeling stuck somewhere. I'm frustrated at lack of direction. The stupid world has taught me not to dream for fear of getting disappointed.
I listen to worship and have time to just sit, think, and pray, and still all I can come up with is "I just have no idea" and "You know what God? I still trust you." The most important thing I have learned this year is the beauty of not knowing. And that's an extremely intimidating notion for a control freak like myself. But if I can't trust in God I fall apart.
I hear all the time that "God doesn't show you the whole staircase...just the next step", but what if he doesn't show you the next step either? I find myself praying for clarity and direction and getting nowhere. Then I hear a still, small voice... "Do you still trust me?"
You see, the beauty of not knowing turns into the beauty of trusting which turns into the beauty of faith. For every answer I don't have, I am becoming more okay with that. Call me foolish, call me naive, call me whatever you like. But in the beauty of not knowing, my faith is building. I am finally becoming truly dependent on my God who knows everything. It would be foolish NOT to trust in Him.
People are bad at trusting because time and time again we keep proving to each other that we can't keep true to our words. But we have to stop letting wounds from people keep affecting our view of God. We may not understand why or how, but GOD IS TRUSTWORTHY. All the time. Without fail. When there is nothing in the world I can be sure of, I find surety in my God. I am finally relinquishing control that was never really mine in the first place. And as I trade my worry for freedom, I feel in my heart that I really am going to be okay.
"So Sarah, what's next?"
"What are you doing after graduation?"
"What do you want to do with your life?"
"I have absolutely no idea," I say with a smile.
Call me crazy, but I think that's beautiful.
